To celebrate the release of TAKEN in paperback today, let's explore how it really works.
(No, this is not a real scene taken from my life - it too is fiction.)
Reading romance novels is an escape. A way to run away from husbands, kids, jobs, daily annoyances and dive into another world - fill a perfect woman's Louboutin's for an hour until your three year old needs help wiping his butt and your husband refuses to get off the couch and do it. Right?
Right.
So, if a romance novel were true-to-life (and thank God they aren't), something like this might happen...
Merrick's tongue slid past Rachael's lips, and she tried her best to get into it and stop thinking about the kids lunches that needed packed, the dishes that needed loaded into the dishwasher and the wet laundry that was probably smelly and mildewed that she'd forgotten two days ago in the washer.
She hadn't even changed her clothes from work yet.
And really? He was kissing her like this? They'd been together like forever now, it didn't exactly turn her on to have his tongue in her mouth. Especially after he'd eaten an entire bag of Doritos.
He slammed their bedroom door (sure to attract the kids' attention - idiot) and pushed her back against it. His hands ran down her thighs and grasped on, lifting.
Rachael heard the seam in her skirt split and shoved his shoulders. "You ripped my skirt! You know, the one you had a fit about me buying when you saw the receipt for $85.00? Nice."
"Here," was all he said before tugging it up around her waist and lifting her against the door.
Rachael sighed and went along with it. She used to be so attracted to this man--could barely keep her hands off of him. Of course, that was before they had kids and he left his dirty, stinky socks all over the living room.
Merrick's fingers found their way inside her underwear--the big, cotton kind that didn't ride up her ass or chafe her skin with lace that felt like it was made of fiberglass--and she began to relax and let herself enjoy it.
She squeezed her hands between them to unbutton his jeans, but try as she might, she couldn't get it undone. "I got it," he said, pulling back from her and letting go of her legs to unfasten his pants.
"Falling!" she yelled as she slipped down the door. Her hands flew out to her sides, her palms smacking against the wood door frame. A nail that wasn't flush in the wood poked her finger. "Ouch!"
Merrick groaned in frustration, but got himself free of his pants and boxer briefs and hauled her back up the wall.
Rachael sighed. This was a disaster. Maybe he'd do it fast and she could reply to the teacher email asking for Valentine's party volunteers. Like she had time for that shit.
Merrick pulled her underwear to the side and she felt the tip of him pushing at her entrance, but he was only half-way to where he needed to be to make this happen. "You're not hard enough," she said.
Seriously? Here she was giving up her time because he wanted to do this and he wasn't even hard?
"Yes I am," he said, trying his best to shove it in. He pulled her legs apart farther and thrust hard. Her ass jabbed into the doorknob and she gasped and jolted. That would leave a mark.
Merrick groaned. "Maybe if you'd be a little more into it I could get it in."
"I'm sorry! This is NOT comfortable!"
"No shit," he said. "I can't hold you up anymore. I'm cramping."
WHAT?? "Are you saying I'm too big for this?"
On her feet with her brand new $85 skirt torn and bunched around her waist, Rachael glared at Merrick.
He swiped his face with both hands. "No, that's not what I mean."
"MOM???!!!" came a cry from down the hall followed by the patter of little feet. "MOOOOOOOM where are you???!!!"
"Toledo! Where do you think I am?" Rachael hastily tugged her skirt back into place while Merrick fastened his jeans.
"I NEEEEEEEED YOOOOOUUUUU!!!" the little voice shouted.
"I'm coming!"
Merrick flopped down on the bed and picked up the T.V. remote. As Rachael opened their bedroom door, the football game came on.
Great, now he'd be no help upstairs instead of downstairs. "Dinner in an hour," she said, and left him to his game.
There you have it. A realistic scene featuring Merrick and Rachael in 15 years. :)
Aren't you glad there are romance novels in the world?
Happy Book Birthday TAKEN!


LMAO. This made my morning. I love it.
ReplyDeleteOmg that's my life ;) Happy Paperback Day!
ReplyDeleteBAWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Funniest shit ever! I bow to your wit Kelli MF Maine! <3
ReplyDeleteOMG! So nice to know that we're not alone!! Thanks for the laughs with my coffee!!
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the birth of your paper baby!! ♥
Happy Book Birthday Taken!! <3
ReplyDeletetess_halim(at)hotmail(dot)com
OMG Kelli!!! That is soooo true! Cracked me up!
ReplyDeleteYou so hit the nail on the head!!! Thanks for the laugh today!
ReplyDeleteHaha. Unfortunately, this is exactly what happens.
ReplyDeleteHaha!! That was too funny and so how it really happens.
ReplyDeleteOMG!!! That was so funny and so completely right!! I'd share it with my husband, but he just wouldn't get it. Thank you!!!
ReplyDeleteSo true!!!! Happy Release paperback day!
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh that was hilarious!!! The good thing is that because of "pari" menopause, after 20 years it goes back to being hot again (at least the moments that you dont want to rip his head off)
ReplyDeleteThank God for romance novels is right!!! That was hysterical!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the laughs. My husband asked me what I was laughing and I showed him, his comment was you new the job was dangerous when you took it. Amazing that even with that knowledge we still take the job. Thank God for romance novels without them we would probably loose our minds.
ReplyDeleteLMAO thank you for silencing my complaints that romance novels aren't more realistic. I will never wish for that again!
ReplyDelete